By Asher Berkner
Photo by Charles Erik Christiansen
The Cat in the Hat, the beloved kids’ masterpiece drawn and written by Theodor Seuss Geisel (a.k.a. Dr. Seuss) has sold more than 16 million copies in its existence, with 500,000 books still sold annually. But after years of people thinking that it was just some harmless child’s novel, I have found out the secret to this feline character’s enduring popularity: The Cat in the Hat is a criminal who regularly commits petty crimes, and he should probably be reported to the authorities immediately before another generation of innocent American children are exposed to his reckless endangerment and kidnapping of children.
In the book, the main characters Lucy and the boy, who is never given a name, are sitting inside their house, with no one else home. It is raining outside, which prevents them from playing outside, leading to cabin fever-induced boredom…
Until an incredibly tall Cat unlawfully enters the premises of their home and proceeds to entertain/harass the two children.
The Cat starts balancing things on his umbrella, hat, and tail–all while standing on a circus ball. This entertains the children, but the Cat’s means of breaking and entering should not be ignored. He literally just walks in unannounced without the two children knowing who he is.
On page seven of the acclaimed book, the Cat enters the children’s house. Now, did we have a mention of him in the other six pages? No, this terrifying hulk of a Cat Man enters unannounced and causes a ruckus, and I believe this is due to the fact that he is a science experiment. He is a talking cat who’s gotta be like 7 foot 4, defying the laws of nature as we know them.
After a great deal of thought and research into the matter, my theory is that the Cat in the Hat was once a normal house cat who was tested on by an evil scientist, turning him into a superhuman-like cat who can talk. He is now condemned to roam the Earth as a silly little ruffian who breaks into houses where there are little kids inside.
The book is actually a tragedy.
“But do we want to feel bad for this criminal?” asks Willow sophomore Cole Finkelstein. “I mean, I don’t know who to feel bad for.”
”I think that the Cat in the Hat is a predator,” said Willow sophomore Charles Erik Christiansen. “He is not normal, I don’t see my cat walking around. I mean, Thing 1 and Thing 2? Yeah, he definitely kidnaps kids for a living.”
Another Willow student sophomore Ellis Zachary Demoss Roberts, said, ”I saw a cat in a hat robbing a grandma once.” Roberts paused, reflecting on the memory. “She was very devastated and hospitalized with cat scratch fever.”
